This feul has only been going on for about 3 days, but as of now it has reached almost 20 something people. Poisoning others with your negative energy is SOO powerful. It spreads like wildfire until someone chooses to dissolve it.
3 observations Ive had from this...
1) Take the time to try to understand the others. Even if you dont agree with them or they dont tell you why they did something... dont just observe their actions. look at the psychology for why that individual may want to act like that. What is their background? Who are their influences? What harm has been done to them? Are they acting as a response to something? Sometimes people are the way they are because as a result of numerous factors. So for us to judge why they are acting a certain way JUST based on one action.. is very wrong of us. No matter how mad you are, if you take even 2 minutes to keep these points in mind, i guarentee that it will change how you look at that person and the situation. Often times we think "Well this is how I feel".. "This person did this to ME".. we are so focused on US and defending ourselves because of our ego. But really it doesnt matter. It doesnt matter to be right or wrong.
Finding the truth from a situation and treating others correctly is what matters. Its okay to defend yourself and express your thoughts but only half the focus should be on you... not 90%.
2)Define your expectations. This by far should be number 1 on your list. I cannot emphasize HOW important this is with any relationship that you have. I doesnt matter if it is your mother, father, sister, best friend, aquaintence, husband, wife, etc. You have to define your expectations. This is probably the hardest thing to do because most of us dont like to face people. Some people think its scary to really tell others how we feel. Most of us dont want to be in an uncomfortable situation. But really, you wont be if you just give it a chance and do it in the right way. The other person will be greatful that you took the time to be honest with them and open up. The reason most people dont do it is because they either think its not necessary or they dont want to make an akward situation. They want things to be "cool". But the bottom line is when you dont have direct communication, miscommunication is bound to happen (Miscommunication in the sense of- they dont get what you are saying or you arent able to say everything on your mind). When you "sugar coat" what you are trying to say, or try to tell the person your thoughts through body language, giving them a cold shoulder, "teaching them a lesson", or blatantly ignoring them. I just doesnt work.
The following things are bound to happen:
A) you are just a really rude person who is just being a jerk
B) they dont understand your motives because they dont know what is going on in your head! so that leaves room for assumption, labeling, and judging. you cant expect people not to judge you when you are not being clear.
Therefore you need to be honest and share your thoughts. People wont treat you the way you want to be treated, unless you tell them what is exceptable. Even our closest friends can cross our boundries and do things we dont like. If they dont know that boundry exists, how do they know they crossed it? What seems obvious to you, is not obvious to everyone else.
If you have the mentatily that Im not going to tell them how I feel because they should already know..its just common sense... that is ignorant of you.
Quick story: I was driving with my friend in the car for about 1 hour. She was trying to open up to me and tell me that she was upset that I wasnt making an effort to be close with her. However, she sugar coated and fluffed what she was trying to say to such an extent.. I mean I didnt even know she was talking about me and her. I thought she was talking about someone else. She was trying to speak "in general". It wasnt until 2 days later that I was thinking about her convo that I came to the conclusion she was talking about us. I asked her about it and she said that she was hoping thats what I got from the conversation. I was shocked. It took her 1 hour to tell me that and what was the conclusion? Prob not what she intended. Never make people guess or be in a situation that they have to.
I know its hard to be honest. Esp with aquaintences or people you arent close to. But trust me you will feel so much better, if you do.
3) Be respectful. Everyone wants to be treated with respect, its just obvious. But why do we fail to do it? Really we all need video cameras to follow us sometimes just so that we see how are are acting. Sometimes we think are being respectful, bc of whatever thoughts are going on in our head. Being "caring" doesnt always do it. Sometimes we just need to verbalize it. Sometimes it just takes one or two sentences to change how people think of us. Telling people "I respect you but when you do x,y, z it changes how I think of you. I dont want to loose that respect for you, thats why Im telling you how I feel so that we can work things out" Thats so much different than "YOU did this to me. Why did you do it? Whats your problem ? Who do you think you are?"
(Btw not saying anything at all in order to be "respectful" is actually just as bad. bc you are unecessarily bottling things up, that eventually at some point will come out in some form or another)
Obviously there is no formual for working out issues. Each situation is different. But you would be surprised how obvious somethings can be, but people are unaware of how they are talking.
We often put too much emphasis on the decisions we make. But the real importance lies in how we treat ourselves and others in the process of making those choices. It is through this process that we experience love and growth.
If ANYONE feels that another person has taken the time to understand them, attempted to respect them, and has been honest with them, I can almost gaurentee you they will be happy with you. I know its hard to do these when are are upset or in a fight. But next time something happens whether its big or small, give these a shot.
I hope everyone has a wonderful New Years :)
2009, you will be a memoriable year for me.
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